This weekend I will present a process developed by Seena Frost called 'SoulCollage®'' to a small group of friends at the retreat center that I go to. I came upon this process a few months back at the website www.soulcollage.com.  I was immediately drawn to it and found it to be a wonderful alli on my journey to Self.  'SoulCollage®' is a tool for transformation using your intuition and creativity to create cards that are a visual dipiction of the aspects of the soul.
'SoulCollage®' lends itself to deep exploration as well as a fun process that anyone can do. I was looking for a medium that provided for deep introspection and processing of the soul parts yet was easily accessible and non-intimidating to everyone. So many people get hung up on their own fears of their creativity that something like painting or drawing can be difficult at best for some. 'SoulCollage®' is something that everyone can enjoy and draw much from and it is a lot of fun!
Based on the love of the soul for images this process involves looking through magazines for images that capture our attention. Just as our inner dream weavers create images in our dreams which nourish us the 'SoulCollage®' process engages the same tools for transformation. As pictures, shapes and images grabs the participants attention they will tear out the images to be later put onto 5" X 8" cards. I will be guiding participants through creating the four suits of cards that will become wonderful allies to them on their journey to transformation. The four suits being: Committee, Community, Counsel and Companion as well as a Source card.
These decks of cards will continue to grow infinitely through time and can be later used in analysis sessions, journaling, tarot readings, and to access ones inner wisdom throughout life's journey. The cards may also be used in sharing circles and retreats where participants can dive deeper into the meanings of the cards and in a deep sharing with others who share their love for the process. Many levels of healing occur as the cards are made and one continues to grow with the process
This weekend I will be bringing this process to my friends in the retreat center where I find a deep sense of Self. It seems a fitting way to begin my journey to bringing more of myself to the world through my work. I know that my spirit and animal guides will be with me every step of the way and that the exercises in nature that I have planned as a complement to this process will facilitate a wonderful weekend of stepping into me. Its exciting, a bit nerve racking and very long awaited all at the same time.
I will be attending the Facilitator training to become a certified faciltator in the 'SoulCollage® process late October in Charlotte NC. I am very excited to become a facilitator and in the meantime am sharing it with people in order to begin my journey of stepping into my souls work. I am hoping to do 'SoulCollage®' workshops in many locations that will allow me to bring this work that calls so deeply to me. I easily see it fitting into the nature workshops that I feel called to do as part of the shadow process. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers....perhaps some of you will be drawn to this process as well and allow me to share this with you in a workshop or retreat sometime!   
 The card above was my first 'SoulCollage®' card that I made. It is a 'Committee Card' suit which is the psychological suit. These Committee cards often depict aspects that are hidden or shadow and working with these cards can be a huge assistance in accepting all aspects of Self. This particular card is "I am the one who gives away my power and hides, thus creating a barren inner landscape'. At the time this card came forth I was asked to look at this aspect of Self and did a lot of deep diving in my analysis sessions with this one card alone. I continue working with the card and feel that it has been a huge assistance to me in integrating and working with this aspect of myself.
Sometimes taking the first step into ones 'soul work' is a long and difficult process. A good part of my life Ive been like this image on my card...giving away my power and hiding....but my first step out of that image....is now.

The cycle of life has some amazing moments, even in those times of turmoil and strife that throws us off balance.  My husband, son and I have been blessed by messengers and teachers in the form of a pair of bluebirds that took up housekeeping in the bluebird house that we put up last year.  In the city bluebirds aren't something that you see that often...so we feel extremely blessed. 
Watching this pair who returns time and time again to their home prepare their nest with loving care and witnessing the cycle of life and tranformation that happens from egg to fledging babies is a miracle and a true reminder of just how wonderful the process can be.  There is nothing like observing nature at its finest to give you hope in your own evolution and to remind you that everything you need is within you somewhere.
My own process during this time has in so many ways mirrored that of these tiny birds who hatched from the egg only to find new challenges awaited them. Just like them I have over these past couple of weeks felt buffeted and battered about by raging storms, lashing rain and gale force winds that shook my very core.  Holding on at times has been difficult, but like the bluebird babies I have persisted.
Seeing them now about ready to step out into the world ready to fly gives me hope that my time has come as well.  And even though new obsticles await both they and I, we can feel secure in the knowledge that we always have our instincts to guide us.  Im so grateful to these five tiny babies who have taught me so much about myself and my ability to survive and to grow and transform.  Why just this morning I took a good look at myself after an amazing process that has transpired over the past couple of days and found that Yes!.....even I have blue feathers coming in on my wings.

This morning I awoke with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for a life that is emerging that I thought I would never see.  For the past 13 months I have been working with a Chinese Practitioner and addressing some fairly severe deficiences that occurred due in part to my eating habits for the entirety of my life.  I have come to see that in many ways the way I ate in the not so distant past was a form of slow suicide because I felt as if i wasn't worth the space that I take up on this planet.  Thankfully between my Jungian analyst, my Chinese practitioner and the inner work I have done I no longer feel that way.
It has been an amazing journey that has taken many twists and turns and while it hasn't always been easy, it certainly has been interesting.  Nobody can say that I'm not courageous, not even me when I look back over the journey I have taken to get where I am today.  Perhaps that sounds as if that's ego to you, but from where I sit...it's just plain fact.  Diving deeply into your demons and looking them straight in the eye requires strength and courage no matter what aspect of Self you choose to call it. 
This past week or so has been an amazingly intense time.  In the last day or two I have, as I generally do, tried to understand where it all was coming from all of a sudden when it emerged out of a clear blue sky.   I realized that since I began doing QiGong on an almost daily basis I found much grief about the masculine force in my life come pouring out with such velocity that it almost at times took my breath away.  In speaking with my chinese herbalist  I was able to then understand that both the current herbal formulas I am taking and the qigong had brought up stored grief for processing and release.  Understanding what is happening for me helps me to relax more into it and allow and to find hope in the words that he said to me to "Allow the magic of chi to transform the vacancy when it leaves with happiness and joy." 
Processing through all this grief, while it hasnt been easy, has been something that has given me a deeper understanding of Self on levels that I hadn't been able to see before.  Even though it has been painful, a clarity and a deeper joy has emerged and something I am not sure I have ever experienced on these levels before...Hope. 
Perhaps this all sounds quite melodramtic, but for someone who never had much hope for a happy life, finally finding it is something that's almost impossible to put into words.  Letting go of old baggage and moving into and through while addressing deficiencies with chinese medicine has allowed me to find a deeper perspective on just where I can go from here.  There is a deep abiding hope and plenty of faith that somehow I've managed in spite of myself to find the allies who can propel me into places I never dreamt possible.
Nobody knows where they will end up in life, but making our own attempt at happiness certainly depends on our ability to dive into the darkness so that our eyes can slowly adjust to the light when we begin to emerge...albeit sometimes slower than we would like.  Evolution doesn't have a set timetable.  By just giving it space to evolve and to watch the light grow brighter and brighter allows us to adjust and move into the light in our own space and time.  Halleluah the light's getting brighter my friends and who knows.... maybe soon I'll need shades!.

 

The Only Daddy That Lives Here....is You

Little wounded girl,

Searching for something that never existed

That Daddy you wanted to adore you

Always wishing he would pull you up into his lap

And wipe away your tears and to just hold you close.

Always wishing, and wishing still.

Never feeling safe within the confines of your body

Never felt cherished or adored.

Still to this day searching for Daddy

A reaching out, a longing, a fervent prayer

Whispered words go unheard, unanswered,

A final knowing that Daddy can't hear and won't come.

Grieving the loss of that daddy ideal, heart being ripped into shreds,

Knowing there is no one to take his place,

No earthly man big enough to pull you onto his lap and hold you

Like the small child that you feel sometimes inside.

You're a big woman you know...nobody has a lap that big.

And besides, Daddy doesn't live here any more.

The time of your childhood has come and gone,

The moment of separation & true adulthood draws neigh

Bidding you to find what you seek deep inside of yourself

And a knowing that the only arms that can hold you tight enough are yours

To at last become the parent to yourself that you so desperately seek

Because precious Julia.....The only Daddy that lives here...is you.

The Otter is my totem in Native American astrology.  I have always thought I would love to come back as an otter if i could come back as an animal. 
Seeing this brought tears to my eyes because it was so very sweet....Thanks to those of you who have been there to hold my hand...I love you!
Hope this brightens your day and gives you the warm feeling it did me!

Multi-dimensional people like me have a hard time keeping themselves under wraps all the time.  Much of my life I have spent trying to do just that.  Perhaps that is why now I am in analysis trying to keep the portions that have been pushed down from eating me alive in an unconscious  feeding frenzy.  Finding the courage to explore, accept and embrace them seems to be a lot more productive and loving to myself than corraling them anyway.
I  realize that sometimes I say things that bring about that jerk of the head "Wwaaaaaa?"  type of reaction from some people....I mean ladies shouldn't say things in public blogs like "Some of us pray nightly to have our brains f)#(ed out". ...or should they?  I've found that a good, raw comment that comes straight from my psyche, whether its appealing to the masses or not has a way of really waking up aspects of me that seem to think that I have all the time in the world to really dive into the heart of the matter.  And nothing gets me looking at myself more than a response like that to find just where something like that comes from in me.  And besides, where is it written that women can't have feelings or thoughts like that and have it be okay?
Hopefully those of you who know me and love me make room for that aspect of me and can then also look deeper into the other dimensions of me as well.  Those who cannot are most likely not able to look at that aspect of Self.  I can feel you on that one...I had that same thing for a good part of my life.  Thankfully I got over the loathing of that primal, erotic, wide open, raw feminine essence that virtually undulates in magna and fire and instead embraced it along with the creative explosion that arose from the depths of it.
I would hope that these pieces of me that come out in blogs entice you to look deeper.   I'd like to think that I have a lot to offer as a woman who really relishes looking deeply at where I going and where I have been.  Yes, sometimes it is true I cannot help but allow that raw, sexual aspect to come out and play....along with the loving, nurturing, kind, deep, wounded aspects as well....what can I say but......Ooooopppssss...My Facets are Showing! YES!!!

Come fly with me into the open hearted joy of your soul
Where the depth of your song can be heard by the minions
And felt by the universe....
Who have waited long for your unfolding.  

The warble of your soul's voice shall awaken many 
Into places within their own hearts that have remained hidden
Allowing them to stretch and spread their wings fully open to the sun. 
Calling them to now awaken and fly.  

Dance on a breeze with me and delight in the softness of the air.
As it lifts you into realms yet unknown.
Nothing can cease your ascent into the miracle that is uniquely you...
No one can stop it...
Only you.                                                              

                                   

Coming into ones self and soul work is certainly not without its pitfalls.  One would think that this deep unwinding and un-wounding would somehow cease to be necessary at some point, that there could be nothing left to unmask or to heal, but that just isn't the case.  I am finding the deeper I go into finding myself the less I know about how I got there and where my next lesson will occur. 
In the past weeks since my last retreat I have come to know so much about myself, my gifts and my calling yet am still at somewhat of a loss of how to orally expound it all to others, and just how qualified I am to do this work.  I have to keep centering myself and diving deeper into what is truly me and what isn't.  For me its more of a bodily feeling I have at this juncture about my new soul work and while I see myself in visualizing it moving about my work it is hard at this point to be able to expound it verbally with people.  I guess somehow that is not at all surprising given my Human Design is one without a defined throat center -  which means I really am not meant to talk.  I seem to have more success in letting it come through me in writing or in painting, something that certainly feels that it flows through me somewhat effortlessly.  But ask me to tell you verbally just what exactly I will be doing and I begin to stumble and falter a bit.
 After my session with my Jungian analyst yesterday I feel as if a core wound has been reopened and is asking to be looked at and healed.  A large part of who I am centers around a childlike innocence that is open and accepting and vulnerable.  In many ways I am somewhat boundary less like a child and its hard for me to make rational sense out of things that aren't like that.  For over a year now I have been working on setting boundaries with people that I understand are completely necessary, however just this morning I realized that there are some lines with people that I doubt I will ever draw.  Its hard for me to understand why the world needs so many boundaries between people and feel that perhaps that is part of the disconnect between people in the world to some degree.  For me I easily state my feelings for people, my love, my adoration and really see the importance of that although for some people I know it is perhaps seems as if I too easily connect with people and open to them, that perhaps steps that are important are missed.  Perhaps my childlike innocence in that way doesn't serve me, but I feel that perhaps for those that know and love this about me that would not be the case.
It is this childlike innocence and open vulnerable ness that seems to be coming forth to be seen for the gift that it is and to finally come to the knowing that perhaps this is my greatest gift to the world.  I am someone perhaps, that can bring the wonder and awe back into the world through nature, that has somehow gotten lost in all the technology and the busyness of our lives. 
For this moment I am clinging to that belief because I feel it is so intrinsically who I am, and for right now I really need to believe this is the case.  Otherwise I think that I could easily succumb to the people telling me just why this new vision of mine can never work and that I really don't have a clue where I'm going.  Quite honesty a good portion of my life I have listened to those voices and done what everyone else expected me to do.  Perhaps now its time for me to let that childlike innocence have its voice and its way.
I will admit that perhpas a portion of their comments are true...as I cant tell you exactly where i am going, or what exactly I will be doing,  but quite honestly today I don't need to know.  I'm a child on the path, staying open to the messages and the signs and just seeing where this all will take me....all the while filled with wonder and awe at the process.  Somehow a good part of me just has to believe that THIS ability to stay in that place of innocence and vulnerability touches people and will be the gift that I bring to this work. 
In a week I am returning to the forest that brought me so much sense of Self and an awakening to where I am being called.  I sense that this trip will be about healing this side of me that today feels so raw, sad and wounded and at finally accepting and owning that childlike innocence and vulnerability and seeing it for the true gift that it is.  From all indications by what is surfacing now this retreat in the woods will be about finally accepting that this is my time to shine in that childlike uniqueness that only I can bring to the world...my own taste of the lotus.

Walking alone on the path in the forest with my backpack of watercolors slung across my back and following an intuitive urge as to which fork to take at several crossroads in the trail  I moved deeper and deeper into the forest.  Feeling a soft wind blowing ever so lightly on my face caressing me I felt as if I was following the call of a voice that was so familiar to me and felt it singing to the depths of my being.  I was so drawn to walk deeper into the forest and as the dappled sunlight fell upon me through the trees I could sense its sweet kiss upon my cheek.  Sighing in pure bliss and in a deep calm and silence that I had not partaken in for many years, perhaps my entire lifetime, I continued on until I reached a point in the trail that seemed to be urging me to step off into uncharted territory.  A hill beakoned, a steep bank which sloped down into the trees until it ended in a level area that called to me. 
Without a moments hesitation I climbed the hill and began carefully picking my way down the steep bank toward the fallen trees that seemed to be calling my name.  Occassionally I would turn to look back up to make sure I had my bearings as to where the trail was and yet having no fear of becoming lost.  Voices whispered to me urging me onward, guiding me to thread my way over fallen trees, and deeply into an area which was sheltered from the view of anyone coming down the trail or onto the summit I had just decended from.  I was careful to stay open and observant so that whatever was calling me would not be missed in any moment of haste of unattentiveness. 
As I climbed over several downed trees I came upon two stumps that called me to sit upon one and to spread my watercolors on another and I knew this was the spot that had called to me.  I do not think that I could have ordered up a more perfect place to sit and paint in the forest as this one afforded and I felt so very blessed to have been asked to come there and humbly spoke words of gratitude to the nature spirits that had called me there.  As I sat there in reverence and solitude I soon began to hear words very clearly saying "Where have you been Julia, we have missed you.  We have been waiting for you!" 
At that moment I began to weep knowing that this connection with nature that I experienced daily as a child was something that I had not been partaking of nearly enough in the last few years after having a child and a job that requires a lot of my energy.  As I sat on that stump tears pouring forth I vowed to once again find the connection that I have so deeply shared with nature and animals.  I knew that I had been called to this forest and quite specifically this very place for a reason and at the time did not really know what the reason was, yet knowing that there was one.
As I sat there for hours that day, at times just doing nothing but drinking in the sounds of the forest and at other times painting I felt as if I had been to this spot before even though I had not prior to my silent retreat.  I deeply had the distinct sense of coming home, home to myself and home to a place where I quite possibly had lived before.  It was a profound sense of deep knowing and connection on a soul level and a sense of Me on levels I had never experienced before.
The painting above is the painting that I did over my week long silent retreat and is titled 'Native Heart'.  It took a number of days and several days of processing and moving through fear and resistance as to what the painting was telling me to finally finish it.  When it was completed I was and still am in awe of what emerged from random strokes and colors on a piece of paper. 
My trip to the forest has brought forth my souls work of Ecopsychology, using my gifts and talents and my deep connection with nature to bring others into nature to heal.  I know how deeply my time there touched and healed me and I know with every cell in my body that I am being called to do this work.  I am presently partnering with Burt Kempner to develop retreats to do Shadow Work and immersion in nature combining it with art and writing and perhaps music.  We are in the beginning stages of seeing what is asking to come forth, but I know that I am moving into what I am being called to do.  For the first time in my life I am visualizing me doing my soul work and am embracing it with a deep love and excitement.  Most likely there will be others that are called to serve with us as we move forward, perhaps even some of you.
I believe that what the painting 'Native Heart' is saying is a validation of this call and my connection to animals and nature and that I was being touched by angels during my time in the forest sending forth healing and information that I needed.  I am still in awe and wonder at the process that unfolded and the deep healing and knowing that came out of my week silent retreat. 
As each day passes I am finding a deeper connection with Mother Earth and the animals and have surrendered to Her bidding and given my own will over to the will of God/Goddess.  Bowing deeply with reverence and asking for wisdom and blessings so that I may move forward into this work with a deep knowing that I am a child of nature, one who knows the whisper of the wind and the call of the wild and one being called to bring this to others so that they too might know.....Bless me Mother Earth, for I am your child.

Coming back to the 'real world' after a fabulous silent retreat has been...well... interesting.  It has brought forth pieces that I certainly was not expecting but see as perfection of course in the scope of things. Evey day found me in the forest, rain or shine, with so much emerging from each and every step into the blessed silence with only the sound of the birds and the wind through the trees to guide me.  Much was healed on so many levels it has left me a bit breathless and filled with wonder at just how much nature can heal if you allow it.
I have been feeling for the past few weeks, perhaps a month or more, that huge changes are in the works for me in the near future.  After this silent retreat I am more certain of that than ever.  I have felt much anxiety around my current work situation and have steadily become more and more unhappy there and feeling that after 29 yrs with the same organization and less than 5 years from retirement that I am being called to look elsewhere for something that feeds my soul and my evolution.  I have come to know that this will most certainly happen, but not knowing exactly when or how...just allowing the knowledge to sink in and be recognized. 
People will think I have lost my mind, when really I have found ME!  
I have allowed myself to play with the idea, Ive sadly been unhappy and never felt as if I fit into the place that I work ever...but was somehow very successful in spite of all that.  But I always felt as if I was somehow giving myself away here but stayed because it was what everyone expected of me.  Now as I am allowing myself to visualize new work and new ways of being in the world I find so many people supporting me that I never really ever thought would.  Funny how life and the universe facilitates things if you just ask!  
I will be spending much time out in nature over the next months and have planned another retreat to the same place in 3 weeks for 5 days.  I am feeling another one close on the heels of the last is what is needed to bring some more opening to the momentum that was started there.  I feel blessed to have found such a beautiful place, one where I felt that I had been to before...filled with many wonderful nature spirits as well as native american helpers and what seemed to be spirits of my tribe there in the quiet woods.  I have to admit that I am still very protective and holding close what all transpired there because it seems too precious to really share for the time being except with a few.  Somehow I think many of you who have experienced this will understand and be happy for me that I have found so much in those quiet woods that it is difficult to yet let it go.   Soon I will be guided to share my experiences and insights so that others may benefit from the wonders and gifts that I found there, the greatest of which being....finding ME in the woods.